In honour of Mother’s Day I would like to tell you about a crisis our family has once or twice a year. It is something I know is coming, and sometimes even suggest myself, but this does not lessen the trauma - my wife leaves us for a few days of peace and quiet. Few things strike fear into the hearts of fathers like the prospect of having to cook, clean and look after the children by themselves for longer than a day. Yet giving her this time away helps her to regain her sanity as well as reminds me how much she does around the house on a regular basis. I like to think that we have a fairly equal division of labour at our place but these little vacations disencumber me from that illusion.
My wife
prepares us well before leaving. In addition
to verbal instructions, she leaves an itemized schedule of what needs to be
done each day. I recommend every
departing mom do this, especially for visual learners like myself. I tend to forget details like doctor
appointments and remember things like how there’s pudding in the fridge, so
having it on paper helps.
For those dads inspired by this idea I humbly offer a few survival tips:
For those dads inspired by this idea I humbly offer a few survival tips:
- Don’t expect too much out of yourself. Some dads get caught trying to be an entertainment machine - running their kids to five different events or starting a home renovation project. Make your expectations realistic. One piece of useful advice comes from the world of counseling: Change your ‘goals’ into ‘desires’. A ‘goal’ is defined as something that we feel we must accomplish. People whose ‘goals’ are thwarted get angry and seek to attain them at any cost. A ‘desire’ is something we wish to accomplish but do not view it as essential. The dad who can see his to-do list as desires will be more flexible and able to see when a project is getting in the way of quality family time. Besides, we tend to underestimate how tiring it is to be a single parent especially if we have not done this by ourselves before. Be gentle on yourself.
- Set aside some time
alone with the kids doing something fun.
In a small family, mom’s departure can give the house an air of
calm. You can give them some ‘dad
time’ without any distractions. This
is the kind of time everyone says kids need more of but we never find the
time to do. Try turning off the
Playstation and opening up a board game.
Younger kids might enjoy some wrestling or hide-and-go-seek. God made us with the ability to relate
to our kids so good things can happen when we give them our attention.
- Find a
babysitter. We all need breaks,
especially if our kids have special needs or are home for the summer. A sitter can make the difference between
a week of meaningful family time and simple survival. I remember vacations where I got so
little sleep that I began to resent my wife for stranding me. She already felt guilty for leaving us
‘alone’ and sensed my tension from our phone calls. What is the point of giving her some
time away if she feels guilty the whole time?
- Encourage her not
to over-schedule herself. For one trip
my wife and her sister drove to
- Clean up. I know this is a lot to ask after
several days of trial, but get the place clean before she returns. My wife says that on coming home ‘real
life slaps you in the face.’ A
clean house and take out pizza might make it less painful. Make sure the baby’s diaper is changed –
that’s a no-brainer. Once she is in
the door and settled, you can go collapse somewhere in triumph.
For those brave fathers who take me
up on this challenge, I salute you! Remember, the point is to give your wife a
break and to honour her. Her happiness is worth the effort.
Jason Gayoway
Published in The Daily Herald Tribune May 15, 2014
http://www.dailyheraldtribune.com/2014/05/15/giving-mom-a-break
Jason Gayoway
Published in The Daily Herald Tribune May 15, 2014
http://www.dailyheraldtribune.com/2014/05/15/giving-mom-a-break
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